Sexual Communication | Spirit 19

One could think that sex is not a taboo anymore. Till the bedroom light darkens.

When you ask ten people about their most embarrassing moments in life, eight will answer you with a story about nudity or sex. No matter that we can talk freely about sex; we draw the line where people can watch, hear or smell us during the “act”. Even with our fixed partner, we tend to pretend.

The objective of performance is dominating our perception and behaviour. And it is not only with the masculine part of our population that targets like “1-hour penetration” are the only valid criteria of success. Also the female part can be conditioned by the “number of orgasms” they can achieve. Another fake target is the “romantic copulation”.

Our cultural environment leads to the false expectation that sex always should be spontaneous, intense, romantic, passionate and powerful. This idea is as destructive as thinking that your sex life should be like a porno movie. Both are unachievable on the long term as you always will be confronted with “bloopers”. Most people become very embarrassed about a noisy fart, an unexpected “sliding out” or an overenthusiastic “love bite”. Instead of being embarrassed about it they should be able to see the humour of it, laugh about it and …just continue with their fun. Because that’s what it is all about. Sex should be flexible. It is almost impossible to aim for an always serious and intense experience. It should be a predominantly funny and relaxed activity. And a lot of laughing.

About 50% of the women prefer having sex in the dark whereas about 30% of the men. This is a result of the lack of self confidence with women. About one third of the women are not satisfied with their general appearance. The International Vagina Dialogue Survey in 2006 revealed that about 86% of the interviewed women were uncomfortable with their most intimate body parts. And this mental conditioning is being dragged into the bedroom. And therefore the lights must be kept out.

On the contrary people perceive sex as more appealing when they are in a closer contact with their partner. To see that your partner is turning on is turning you on.

Our sexual education is playing a major role in our behaviour as an adult. Many messages from the past are not constructive at all. “Sex is bad” and “sex is filthy” and “men only want one thing” still are very popular and continue to condition future generations.

Another barrier is the communication about sex. There seems to be a lack of open communication between partners about sex. Personal experiences are not addressed and are being kept quiet because of lack of communication capabilities. However, as long as there is no negative influence in your sexual satisfaction or in that of your partner, you shouldn’t bother too much.



Note: some elements in this article have been collected from an interview of Elle with Alexander Witpas, a reputed criminologue and sexuologue. If you have questions/opinions about this subject, please feel free to post them on our Forum.